Wingnut Constitutional Saints

April 13, 2007 at 10:35 am | Posted in Constitution, Don Imus, Legal, Liberal, Politics | 2 Comments

There appears to be a sizeable segment of the population that feels being fired for making sexually and racially inappropriate comments at work is somehow akin to constitutional martyrdom. For your amusement, therefor, I offer you the Ten Wingnut Saints of the Constitution, persecuted unfairly by a system gone haywire.

The First Amendment: Saint Imus

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. Also, you can’t fire a dude just because he thinks black chicks look funny.

St. Imus is the Patron Saint of all who have been fired or unfairly subjected to scrutiny because of sexist and racist behavior.

Martyred on April 12, 2007.

The Second Amendment: Saint Dick

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed. It’s also OK to shoot a guy in the face if he’s strongarmed later into forgiveness.

St. Dick is the Patron Saint of all who suffer from criticism and general mistrust because they happened to shoot someone in the face.

Martyred on February 11, 2006.

The Third Amendment: Saint Rummy

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. Sending “the army you have” overseas to die in a war of convenience and bombing the piss out of brown people is totally cool.

St. Rummy is the Patron Saint of those who lose their jobs because they quartered soldiers away from their families, without proper body armor or rest and recuperation periods.

Martyred on November 8, 2006.

The Fourth Amendment: Saint Alberto

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. Except for the guy who’s in charge of this stuff, he’s off the hook.

St. Alberto is the Patron Saint of those who fire employees for political purposes, hide the evidence, lie to these employees and the public, and then are unfairly subjected to subpoenas and warrants without probable cause.

Martyred on April 10, 2007.

The Fifth Amendment: Saint Scooter

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. But if you do testify against yourself, people should ignore it because you can’t expected to always tell the truth under oath.

St. Scooter is the Patron Saint of those who can’t help lying to prosecutors, and then find themselves indicted for perjury.

Martyred on March 6, 2007.

The Sixth Amendment: Saint Clarence Scalito

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense. Unless they’re really, really, really dangerous according to a secret document that we can’t let you see.

St. Clarence of Scalito is the Patron Saint of those who want to help the President give speedy secret military trials to certain unspecified citizens in order to free up our court system from the overload of judicial work it is unfairly burdened with.

Martyred on August 28, 2006.

The Seventh Amendment: Saint Delay

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. And if you’re going to take 20 bucks as a bribe, you might as well take a few mil, eh, Duke?

The Patron Saint of those who are unfairly persecuted for corruption in matters exceeding $20 before their trial has begun, oftentimes resulting in disgraceful resignations from office without the order of a jury.

Martyred on April 3, 2006.

The Eighth Amendment: Saint Pat Robertson

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. Unless you’re gay, liberal, non-Evangelical, or otherwise threatening to paranoid old rich WASPy dudes

St. Pat Robertson is the Patron Saint of those who find themselves under fire for advocating totally uncruel punishments, like assassination, torture, and the fiery, fiery deaths of those who disagree with them.

Martyred on August 22, 2005.

The Ninth Amendment: Saint Santorum

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. Except for the right of privacy, which is totally made up by atheist liberals.

The Patron Saint of those who find it notable for some reason that the word “Privacy” doesn’t actually appear in the bill of rights.

Martyred on November 7, 2006.

The Tenth Amendment: St. George

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people. Except for the power of individual states to resolve voting inconsistancies in Presidential elections. That should totally be decided by partisan justices.

St. George is the Patron Saint of all of those who eventually find themselves under fire by a majority of the population for consistantly breaking the rules and remarkably poor performance at the job they were appointed to fulfill.

He also got out of the required sainthood martyrdom, too, thanks to Poppy pulling a few strings. Dang.

2 Comments »

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  1. Most amusing piece of satire here.

  2. Gandhi says : I absolutely agree with this !


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